The list of lost things
You can listen to me reading this blog post below!
A friend of mine recently started keeping a list of lost things. On this list she will make a note of things that are lost that she is looking for (odd socks, a particular recipe, a piece of clothing she hasn’t seen in a while) and more often than not she finds the things on the list. I loved the idea when she mentioned it. It evoked images of adventures, of journeys to find that which is lost, and gave me the type of feelings of so many good books I have read or films I have watched - even though journeys to find things that are lost are often difficult and full of trials (and this is especially true when the things are lost in my kitchen cupboard!) And even though I would probably have a list that was filled with odd socks.
Whenever I write a series about life lessons I have learned, one thing I also think about is what I haven’t learned during that time - and I will likely write about the things I haven’t learned in another post. But as I was thinking about things I haven’t learned, I also began to think about things I have lost since I started this blog several years ago. Some of these are things that I have fond memories of, but that feel like a chapter that came to an end that I know I probably won’t re-visit. I am often reminded of these through facebook memories. It is December now, and at this time of the year, I see numerous memories of baked goods long eaten and gingerbread houses I made with children who are now adults.
And there are other things that feel lost in the nature of things that can become lost to time - and often we do not realise that the last time we do or see something that it will be the last time. There are aspects of my life that feel lost in that way - but that I would be willing to put on a list of lost things - in an effort to find them again.
And so - today’s blog post is my version of the List of Lost things.
Caring for a cause.
I spent most of my life caring for causes, and volunteering towards them. When I was growing up and I spent a lot of time in church, and I would volunteer within the church - from teaching Sunday school and helping out at summer camps, to taking a group of teenagers to the middle of France, to cooking for hundreds of people coming to Alpha suppers, or lunches for the homeless. Over time, I left the church, but volunteering remained important to me and so I also did a fair amount of dental volunteering all around the world, as well as in the classrooms where my friends taught. And I joined a service organisation whose focus was on youth - and did much of my volunteering there for the better part of a decade.
Janeil Odle receiving a Youth Achievement Award
I even wrote one of the lessons in the original life lessons series around lessons I learned from volunteering with the Optimist club. I never imagined that there would be a time when I wasn’t volunteering in some form or fashion, and more importantly that I wouldn’t belong to a community where I didn’t participate in some form through volunteering.
I can see so much that has brought me to this point. One thing that I grapple with now is that problems in the world feel so complicated and intertwined that it feels as if almost nothing I do would make an actual difference in the grand scheme of things - and this bothers me more now than it ever has in the past. It feels like the more I know, the more I realise that so much more is unknowable.
The younger version of me saw problems as simple and solvable, and could see how I fit into the larger piece of the solution. Honestly, nowadays I am cynical, and find it hard to feel like anything I do would make a difference when problems that lead to inequity and poverty seem so completely unsolvable. Other things that have happened - moving back to a large country where tensions between people feel so much more palpable, and the pandemic feels as if it left a legacy of individualism, or contributed to one that was already growing, and I feel as if I am allowing myself to be swept unwillingly along by that tide.
I recently listened to a Reith lecture series by Rutger Bregman and he spoke about starting a moral revolution, and some of the things he said stuck with me - the idea that a small group of people working towards a cause can have impact in the world. I so want to believe it is possible in this day and age, and I know that a part of that for me would mean finding a cause that I can feel passionate about again; one that can break through the cynicism and that can help me to find the love for volunteering that I have lost.
Faith and hope
Over the years, I have written extensively about my experience of leaving the church - so I won’t rehash it here. While I can’t proclaim that I was the best Christian (or even a good one) while I was in the church, one thing I always had was hope - even though I must confess I didn’t have a great deal of faith.
I spent a lot of my time in church longing to feel what I thought others felt - to find a faith that I believed I could find there. But hope… I had hope that I would one day find the faith; that the words I read and memorised would one day feel like truth; that the music that flowed through my veins would eventually saturate my heart; that the love and compassion that was preached would feel real in the community, and that the God that was spoken of would show himself to me.
When I left the church it was less a loss of faith, and more a loss of hope that kept me away. I no longer had any of the hope, and I was surprised to feel like I found more love, compassion and acceptance outside of the church.
Singing in Budlong Harmonious trio sometime in the 1990s
As for God - I haven’t found him either - and I can’t say that I am looking any more - so I won’t be placing him on the list. But maybe one day I’ll find something to be hopeful in - and perhaps even a lil faith in something as well.
Energy
It may just be my memory playing tricks on me, but I feel as if I used to have energy - I mean I trained for and ran a half marathon once! These days I just feel mostly wiped out. Before a workout, after a workout, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, on my way into work, on my way home. I don’t know if it is physical energy I am seeking, or the energy that comes with having a zest for life and things to look forward to (as opposed to washing the dishes which seems to be the thing that always comes next!) But this is something I’ll definitely be seeking out.
Crushes!
When I was younger, I always had a crush on someone. It was so fun (or at least that’s what my memory tells me)! Dreaming up conversations we would have (while never ever actually saying a word to the person - because of course saying a word to the person is not what a crush is all about). I used to sit and spend hours dreaming up whole alternative lives with people, and in different situations. Somewhere along the line, I thought that the grown up thing to do would be to stop doing this and instead be present in the real world. I also spoke with some of those folks I had crushes on, and once or twice I got involved with them. I can now confirm that both of these were terrible ideas!! However, I seem to have lost my ability to have a crush and slip into that fantasy world - keeping myself distracted from (shakes hands wildly in the air) all of this. So - bring back the crushes that I don’t need to do anything with. And bring back the fantasy worlds! They made doing the dishes so much more fun!
Also on the list of lost things -
Cute dresses (and a smaller bum)
The ability to sleep through the night (I lost this when I was a teenager I believe but it would still be nice to have it back)
Some of my cooking skills (my friends don’t believe me but I have actually become worse at cooking as time has gone by)
Pin backs - I started a collection of pins but some of the backs got lost, and I want to be able to put them all on my lanyard!
A chocolate cake recipe that I used to love making (and eating)
Carrot cake cupcakes recipe from the Primrose Bakery cookbook
The password for 2 old email addresses that somehow seem connected to an old laptop.
A great deal of patience.
Tupperware lids - I think this is a universal experience
Recipe for Johnny cakes.
(I am going to stop here - because this list may become almost entirely composed of recipes after this.)
And there we have it! My list of lost things.
I am curious - what would go on your list of lost things?
And what are you hoping to find in the new year?
I send you big love.