The lies we tell

(You can listen below, and don’t expect the photo to have anything to do with the post!)

I am a liar.

I know that sounds terrible, but hear me out. I don’t go around telling people I can fly, or printing out fake university degree certificates from Harvard (although I definitely have considered it)... But it’s the little things.

I say I’m fine when almost anyone asks.

I tell people I’ll be ok - even when they are breaking my heart.

I smile and I say thank you and I love it for gifts I know I will never use.

Some people call this “being polite” or my favourite - “common courtesy.”

But when my nephew (who is now 7) got to a certain age, I realized that at the same time we were trying to teach him to be kind and courteous (the old common courtesy), we were also teaching him not to lie, and to tell the truth, and it started to occur to me how sometimes those two things are polar opposites, and that it’s no wonder that we get confused about what the truth is. I mean - how is it ok to say you are ok when your heart is breaking, but not ok to say that you didn’t break the bowl when there was clearly no-one else in the house. How is it ok for your aunt to tell you that there are no more chocolate biscuits (when she hid them at the back of the fridge) but it isn’t ok for you to say you did your homework (when you clearly didn’t). 

It got me thinking about how sometimes, dishonesty is baked into the fabric of our cultures. And I say our - I am a Black woman who grew up (mostly) in Barbados, which means that “our” culture is a blend of holdovers from colonialism, probably with some of the traditions that came over from Africa, and that have become warped over the years. And let’s face it - I am pretty sure that large parts of colonialism were built on some serious lies.

It doesn’t help that I then moved to England, where common courtesy could be an olympic sport. I remember one day I was staying with a friend for the weeknd, and his parents were looking to buy a new house, so I spent the better part of Saturday driving around the villages near where he grew up, looking around houses. In every case, his parents showed a great deal of enthusiasm about the houses, commenting on how well they were kept, and how suitable they would be for their situation, as new empty nesters, whose adult children would occasionally come to visit (and clearly bring random Barbadians that they picked up at university).

As we left one of the houses and got into the car to drive off, I asked my friend and his parents if they would make an offer, and he made a face at me. “That house was hideous!” he said. “Why would we make an offer?” 

“Gee I don’t know. I mean - your parents said they loved the house and were definitely considering it.” I responded.

“That’s what everyone says!” he said to me. “Was it?” I thought to myself.

Common courtesy, and episodes of FRIENDS.

Over the years, I have had so many conversations like that, as well as seeing them play out on TV comedies - sometimes as the brunt of jokes. One that sticks out to me was (of course) an episode of friends. (And anyone who knows me well knows that everything that happens in real life has a parallel experience on an episode of friends. I remember this one time I was talking to a patient of mine about teeth whitening, and we both burst out laughing as we remembered the time when Ross whitened his teeth!! But I digress)...

Back to honesty. So on this one episode of friends, Chandler went on a date with Rachel’s boss, and had a terrible time. The next day, Rachel asked Chandler “Why does she think that you had a great time and you’re gonna call her?”

“Because that’s what you say at the end of a date” He responded. (and folks - I am paraphrasing here. Even though I actually know every single word of friends by heart, I can’t promise you that was exactly what he said.) In other episodes, he went on to list the lies that people tell. Your baby is cute. Yes Joey - you look 19. And so on. 

As I have gotten older, I realize that I lie almost every day, about one thing or another. But a strange thing happens when you get into your 40s - or at least, it happened when I got into mine - I grew tired of the lies. Even the little ones. I mean let’s face it we are in the middle of a global pandemic. No one is fine. Yet I was saying it every day, and hearing it. I’m fine. You’re fine. But I also got tired of the big ones. I got tired of the political correctness. I got tired of the lies that grease the wheels of our society every day. 

I started to become curious about the truth. And I also realized that - as a Black woman who mostly grew up in Barbados (and spent about a third of my life in England), and who also spent more than half of my life as a Christian (although I wouldn’t call myself that any more) I know that I have some very fixed ideas about what is right and wrong, some of which are probably buried so deep that I wouldn’t even know where to find them. I wanted to explore some of those ideas, particularly those around the idea of truth.

And as a writer who has endless amounts of curiosity, I wondered if other cultures have this level of dishonesty baked in. I know that many things shape culture - and that sometimes language plays a big role in it. I started to wonder in cultures where other languages are spoken, and where they have words for some of the complex emotions and activities that all seem to be covered by the word “meh” in English, if they find it easier to be truthful with one another.

And I wonder how this affects our ability to be truthful in our relationships with our loved ones, and with ourselves. 

And since it’s 100 days before the end of 2021, I decided I wanted to write every day, to see if I could, and to see if I should start a new blog, that encopasses all of these things - as well as my new found obsession with Marvel movies, and the folks on YouTube who talk about Marvel movies. 

So - journey with me over the next 100 days as I write. Sometimes I will write about the truth and what I have found out about it. Sometimes I’m gonna confess some of the lies that I have told. Sometimes I am going to write about how spending half of my life as a Christian woman who grew up in Barbados sees the world, and how that background has shaped me in ways - good and bad. And sometimes, we talk about Marvel, about movies, about memes, and about modern life. 

I can’t wait!! Tell me - are you a liar?

I send you big love from a small island.